[ Rhy beckons him to sit, laughing and shrugging casually. ]
Same as usual: I asked very nicely. [ He has also gone out of his way to be kind to the lower class staff around the castle, but that goes without saying. Rhy seems an embodiment of the old adage that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; he's all honey, and barely seems to realize it.
Unfortunately, it does occasionally get him into trouble. Such as right now.
Once Wilhelm sits and pours his tea, Rhy's smile slips a little, not gone, but slightly less bright. Anxious, more than anything.
He stirs his tea with one of the tiny spoons provided, watching the color change from dark brown to creamy tan with the milk. ]
[He laughs, folding himself into the seat opposite Rhy. The chair is like if somebody decided to make lace, but they only had iron to work with.]
I should've guessed.
[Wilhelm would agree with the metaphor. If he's a fly — a small problem that's hard to get rid of — then Rhy is definitely the honey that's caught him, all golden and sweetly tempting. The thing about honey, though, is that you're so preoccupied with drinking your fill, you don't realize you're trapped until it's too late.
As he prepares a cup for himself, he measures Rhy's demeanor with more care than he does the tea or cream or sugar. He catches the dimming of his smile, the tightening at the corners of it, and knows that something is wrong. His gut, preparing for an array of possibilities, each departing farther from the scant context clues he's got, bunches into a knot.]
Of course. [Wilhelm starts to reach out, for the purpose of setting his hand reassuringly on Rhy's. But with both of his hands occupied, that leaves him with nowhere to go. He ends up just cradling his own cup instead.] So...what's on your mind?
[ Rhy takes a moment to set down the spoon and try the tea -- barely a sip, more to get his thoughts in order yet again, as they keep scattering, than because he really cares how it tastes.
He meets Wilhelm's eyes, afraid to see the emotion in them, but knowing this is not the time to be a coward. He owes Wille that much. ]
We have been friends for some time now, you and I.
I fear I have pulled that friendship all out of shape, so carelessly, into something it should not be. I've been horribly selfish.
I haven't been mindful of your feelings, and for that, I am deeply sorry.
[ There's a catch in his throat at the last, but mostly, he managed to say it all solemnly, without letting emotion overcome him now. He must resolve to keep this up regardless of Wilhelm's reaction. ]
[Stupidly, his heart starts to lift, an erratic, fluttering thing. We have been friends for some time now. So many places that sentence could go, but hope jumps ahead of reason before Wilhelm can clip its wings, and it flies right to the wild conclusion that maybe Rhy wants them to be something more.
Rhy, of course, bats it down for him. By the time he reaches sorry, Wilhelm's uncertainty is naked on his face. His fingers tighten around the delicate handle of the tea cup. He has forgotten to take a sip from it.
He's been here before, in this silence where he struggles to understand. You have to figure out what you want. And you can take all the time you need. But you have to do it by yourself. He swallows.]
So, what are you saying? [His voice curls defensively, an instinctive response to how vulnerable he feels right now. Like he's see-through. Like his heart is a fruit somebody's smashed open, and the pulp and seeds are everywhere.] I'm the one who asked you over to my room, so...
[He trails off, uncertain of the point he's trying to make, and just as uncertain if the problem is who started what. They both continued it. Once that line was crossed, Wilhelm was always waiting for Rhy to cross it again. Suddenly, he was living for the moments when Rhy would pull him into his arms, and they'd melt onto the bed, and the rest of the world would go on without them because they weren't a part of it anymore.
Chewing the inside of his cheek, he stares at the still surface of his tea.]
[Wilhelm has been here before, too. At the edge of a precipice with no way down but to jump. Lifting his gaze, he finds himself pierced by those golden eyes he's spent so much time getting lost in.]
I like you, Rhy. [It sounds more like a surrender than a confession.] A lot. I...
[His voice catches on the lump forming in his throat, and he tries to push everything out in a rush to beat the prickling gathering behind his eyes. He has let go of the teacup to fuss with his hair instead.]
I don't expect you to feel the same way. It's okay, I don't need you to. I know what this is, what we've got, and we're never going to be serious. And...that's okay. I'm okay with that.
[Except, the more he says it's okay, the more sharply he realizes that...it's not, really. Wilhelm has been lying to himself for a long time now. Somewhere along the way, he fell into the habit of pretending, when Rhy kissed him and caressed him, that it was only for him. All this time, he was waiting for Rhy to want him outside of bed too.]
[ Rhy watches him with warm, sad eyes, and tries not to let Wilhelm's verging tears bring any of his own. He reaches out, gently laying a hand on top of Wilhelm's. ]
I hear your words, but I have eyes also.
I can see it isn't true. I should have seen it earlier.
I'm sorry, Wilhelm. I do not have the freedom to give you what you desire. I cannot tell you that my heart is yours alone. I will not lie to you.
[He can't pretend to find comfort in Rhy's hand enclosing his knuckles. The familiarity of it aches in this new context. Mostly, he feels numb. Like he's gotten a tooth yanked out, and his tongue is surprised by the hole that didn't used to be there — only, the hole is in his chest instead of his mouth.
Wilhelm looks from Rhy to the rose bushes blooming around them. Tears sit in his eyes, and he blinks to keep them from falling. How fucking humiliating, getting rejected preemptively.]
[His hand retreats to the tea cup, which he considers for the first time since it was poured. It gives him something to do, the tea, as he rummages for an answer. And it's easier to swallow than anything Rhy has said.
Funny, how all this time he's sworn that he expected nothing, and now that he's gotten just that, it hurts like hell. At least before Rhy confirmed his suspicions, there was an inch of wiggle room for hope, for hopeless fantasy. Now there's no choice but to wake up.
(Not haha funny, of course, but funny in the way his whole life is a cosmic joke. That's a different kind of ache in your ribs.)]
We can still be friends.
[This is directed more at the rose bushes than at Rhy. Another white flag. He smudges out a tear as it rolls down his cheek. Abruptly, Wilhelm stands, causing the table to tremble and the tea to slosh.]
Sorry, I...kinda just want to be alone right now. [He sucks in a breath to brace his words before they start crumbling apart.] Thanks for the tea and...everything.
[ He hates to be the cause of Wilhelm's pain. His chest aches. Rhy swallows thickly, and moves to stand as well. ]
I understand. You needn't apologize.
Take all the time you need, Wille.
[ Rhy plans to stay out of his way for a good long while, if it can be helped. With how often he's making trips to Nott these days, it shouldn't be too hard to avoid him.
He just hopes Wilhelm can forgive him someday, and they really can be friends. ]
[Wilhelm nods, as if he's agreed to any of this. He says nothing else, not trusting his voice to hold steady, or his words to stay above the bitterness that's so tempting to dip into. Leaving the tea unfinished, and all this mess for Rhy to clean up by himself, he makes his unceremonious exit from the table. He doesn't know where he's going, but he's in a hurry to get there.
He's not mad at Rhy. He's mad that his heart had to hang itself on someone he can't have. He's mad that his daydreams gathered too much weight and made him want them to be real. Most of all, he's mad that he's only seventeen, instead of something more sophisticated or self-assured or whatever else might make Rhy want him.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Same as usual: I asked very nicely. [ He has also gone out of his way to be kind to the lower class staff around the castle, but that goes without saying. Rhy seems an embodiment of the old adage that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; he's all honey, and barely seems to realize it.
Unfortunately, it does occasionally get him into trouble. Such as right now.
Once Wilhelm sits and pours his tea, Rhy's smile slips a little, not gone, but slightly less bright. Anxious, more than anything.
He stirs his tea with one of the tiny spoons provided, watching the color change from dark brown to creamy tan with the milk. ]
Thank you for coming out here to meet with me.
no subject
I should've guessed.
[Wilhelm would agree with the metaphor. If he's a fly — a small problem that's hard to get rid of — then Rhy is definitely the honey that's caught him, all golden and sweetly tempting. The thing about honey, though, is that you're so preoccupied with drinking your fill, you don't realize you're trapped until it's too late.
As he prepares a cup for himself, he measures Rhy's demeanor with more care than he does the tea or cream or sugar. He catches the dimming of his smile, the tightening at the corners of it, and knows that something is wrong. His gut, preparing for an array of possibilities, each departing farther from the scant context clues he's got, bunches into a knot.]
Of course. [Wilhelm starts to reach out, for the purpose of setting his hand reassuringly on Rhy's. But with both of his hands occupied, that leaves him with nowhere to go. He ends up just cradling his own cup instead.] So...what's on your mind?
no subject
He meets Wilhelm's eyes, afraid to see the emotion in them, but knowing this is not the time to be a coward. He owes Wille that much. ]
We have been friends for some time now, you and I.
I fear I have pulled that friendship all out of shape, so carelessly, into something it should not be. I've been horribly selfish.
I haven't been mindful of your feelings, and for that, I am deeply sorry.
[ There's a catch in his throat at the last, but mostly, he managed to say it all solemnly, without letting emotion overcome him now. He must resolve to keep this up regardless of Wilhelm's reaction. ]
no subject
Rhy, of course, bats it down for him. By the time he reaches sorry, Wilhelm's uncertainty is naked on his face. His fingers tighten around the delicate handle of the tea cup. He has forgotten to take a sip from it.
He's been here before, in this silence where he struggles to understand. You have to figure out what you want. And you can take all the time you need. But you have to do it by yourself. He swallows.]
So, what are you saying? [His voice curls defensively, an instinctive response to how vulnerable he feels right now. Like he's see-through. Like his heart is a fruit somebody's smashed open, and the pulp and seeds are everywhere.] I'm the one who asked you over to my room, so...
[He trails off, uncertain of the point he's trying to make, and just as uncertain if the problem is who started what. They both continued it. Once that line was crossed, Wilhelm was always waiting for Rhy to cross it again. Suddenly, he was living for the moments when Rhy would pull him into his arms, and they'd melt onto the bed, and the rest of the world would go on without them because they weren't a part of it anymore.
Chewing the inside of his cheek, he stares at the still surface of his tea.]
I don't get what I did wrong.
no subject
[ Rhy's voice, thick with emotion, cuts in instantly to stop Wilhelm from that line of questioning. He shakes his head. ]
Nothing at all. I'm afraid I did you wrong.
Letting myself enjoy your company without thought to your feelings. That wasn't fair. It isn't.
So I should ask, first: How do you feel about me?
no subject
I like you, Rhy. [It sounds more like a surrender than a confession.] A lot. I...
[His voice catches on the lump forming in his throat, and he tries to push everything out in a rush to beat the prickling gathering behind his eyes. He has let go of the teacup to fuss with his hair instead.]
I don't expect you to feel the same way. It's okay, I don't need you to. I know what this is, what we've got, and we're never going to be serious. And...that's okay. I'm okay with that.
[Except, the more he says it's okay, the more sharply he realizes that...it's not, really. Wilhelm has been lying to himself for a long time now. Somewhere along the way, he fell into the habit of pretending, when Rhy kissed him and caressed him, that it was only for him. All this time, he was waiting for Rhy to want him outside of bed too.]
no subject
I hear your words, but I have eyes also.
I can see it isn't true. I should have seen it earlier.
I'm sorry, Wilhelm. I do not have the freedom to give you what you desire. I cannot tell you that my heart is yours alone. I will not lie to you.
no subject
Wilhelm looks from Rhy to the rose bushes blooming around them. Tears sit in his eyes, and he blinks to keep them from falling. How fucking humiliating, getting rejected preemptively.]
What do you want to do, then?
[About them.]
no subject
I care about you and your happiness.
If we can be friends, I'd like that.
If that would make you unhappy, I'll do my best to give you as much as space as can be afforded in our limited living situation.
no subject
Funny, how all this time he's sworn that he expected nothing, and now that he's gotten just that, it hurts like hell. At least before Rhy confirmed his suspicions, there was an inch of wiggle room for hope, for hopeless fantasy. Now there's no choice but to wake up.
(Not haha funny, of course, but funny in the way his whole life is a cosmic joke. That's a different kind of ache in your ribs.)]
We can still be friends.
[This is directed more at the rose bushes than at Rhy. Another white flag. He smudges out a tear as it rolls down his cheek. Abruptly, Wilhelm stands, causing the table to tremble and the tea to slosh.]
Sorry, I...kinda just want to be alone right now. [He sucks in a breath to brace his words before they start crumbling apart.] Thanks for the tea and...everything.
no subject
I understand. You needn't apologize.
Take all the time you need, Wille.
[ Rhy plans to stay out of his way for a good long while, if it can be helped. With how often he's making trips to Nott these days, it shouldn't be too hard to avoid him.
He just hopes Wilhelm can forgive him someday, and they really can be friends. ]
no subject
He's not mad at Rhy. He's mad that his heart had to hang itself on someone he can't have. He's mad that his daydreams gathered too much weight and made him want them to be real. Most of all, he's mad that he's only seventeen, instead of something more sophisticated or self-assured or whatever else might make Rhy want him.]