Istredd lets him go once he moves away, wanting him to find his own way of centering. It does not look good though, he is struggling deeply. Lucifer was not wrong when he said Wilhelm was dangerous to himself. Fixing that was going to take time.
"Because the mind and emotions are very powerful, and if they aren't in perfect concert, they can block people. I've been a mage for over sixty years, and I can still get in my own way." Usually because of emotions. They are definitely the worst, and he is so calm and centered in part to try and keep them from messing him up. But he has them, strongly, under the surface. Istredd is much older than he looks, obviously.
"If you truly think you're responsible for what happened, no one can convince you otherwise. You're holding that in your head and heart. But it also only just happened a few months ago. The trauma hasn't faded from most people." Istredd can only imagine how much trauma still hangs over everyone in Free Cities, having witnessed and experienced it firsthand. The aftermath of that attack effects all of the Summoned, but it's to different levels of tragedy and trauma.
"Give yourself time. Whether it seems obvious to you now or not, the fire manipulation we're working on will help you. The stronger your mind is with magic in general, the better your reaction time will be."
He's trying to follow Istredd's words, because they provide something to tie his fraying focus to — something other than the amorphous dread sloshing around inside of him, swallowing him whole. Give yourself time. Wilhelm is tired of waiting to feel okay. Every fucking day is an obstacle course to get through. He rubs at his chest, trying to clear the weight that's clumped there.
Whatever answer he's halfway through forming, it scatters as his stomach heaves again. Gagging, he doubles over and tries to hold it down, but it surges up his throat. Splat, right on the stately floor. He spits out the taste of vomit, wipes the heel of his hand across his mouth. Even when he straightens up, his gaze stays on the floor.
"Sorry."
Eyes closed, Wilhelm pushes his hands through his hair, slowly, like the breath he sucks in. He hates losing it where he can be watched.
"I need to..." Leave. Be alone. Get his shit together. He shakes his head again. "Sorry. Can we try this again tomorrow? I just...need a break."
Istredd's never seen anyone let themselves get sick in here, which means that this is very deep into Wilhelm's psyche. He is struggling with something so severe mentally that he can convince his body to vomit. That's some deep issues. He is concerned for certain, waving a hand and the vomit simply disappears, because it isn't real here. None of this is real.
"You don't have to be sorry. It's fine, Wilhelm. I'm glad you're willing to keep trying. That's important." Rather than give up, which would help no one. Istredd can't help him in this situation until they work more together and he puts himself in a position where he can provide more guidance.
He nods in the rushed way of someone trying to end a conversation fast. Embarrassment explodes among the volatile cocktail of emotions mixed inside of him. Istredd's sympathy both makes him feel better and worse about all of this. Better, because it means mercy — he won't make him stay and try more magic in spite of his meltdown. Worse, because it probably means he's the most pathetic thing the guy has ever seen in all his years of practicing magecraft. Cool.
"I'll...see you tomorrow," Wilhelm says brusquely, turning to leave. It's after a few steps that he remembers he can just vanish from the Horizon at will, and he does so, unceremoniously.
It would be hard to come back, but he will force himself. Maybe Istredd is right, and strengthening his control over fire in general will someday make it easier to spark his own. And if he's wrong, and the problem is as insurmountable as it feels to Wilhelm right now, then maybe practicing his magic will at least prevent it from exploding out of him unwanted.
He was right about one thing: Wilhelm cannot stay stuck where he is forever.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"Because the mind and emotions are very powerful, and if they aren't in perfect concert, they can block people. I've been a mage for over sixty years, and I can still get in my own way." Usually because of emotions. They are definitely the worst, and he is so calm and centered in part to try and keep them from messing him up. But he has them, strongly, under the surface. Istredd is much older than he looks, obviously.
"If you truly think you're responsible for what happened, no one can convince you otherwise. You're holding that in your head and heart. But it also only just happened a few months ago. The trauma hasn't faded from most people." Istredd can only imagine how much trauma still hangs over everyone in Free Cities, having witnessed and experienced it firsthand. The aftermath of that attack effects all of the Summoned, but it's to different levels of tragedy and trauma.
"Give yourself time. Whether it seems obvious to you now or not, the fire manipulation we're working on will help you. The stronger your mind is with magic in general, the better your reaction time will be."
no subject
Whatever answer he's halfway through forming, it scatters as his stomach heaves again. Gagging, he doubles over and tries to hold it down, but it surges up his throat. Splat, right on the stately floor. He spits out the taste of vomit, wipes the heel of his hand across his mouth. Even when he straightens up, his gaze stays on the floor.
"Sorry."
Eyes closed, Wilhelm pushes his hands through his hair, slowly, like the breath he sucks in. He hates losing it where he can be watched.
"I need to..." Leave. Be alone. Get his shit together. He shakes his head again. "Sorry. Can we try this again tomorrow? I just...need a break."
we can wrap here or on yours!
"You don't have to be sorry. It's fine, Wilhelm. I'm glad you're willing to keep trying. That's important." Rather than give up, which would help no one. Istredd can't help him in this situation until they work more together and he puts himself in a position where he can provide more guidance.
His gaze is sympathetic. "Go get some rest."
the end
"I'll...see you tomorrow," Wilhelm says brusquely, turning to leave. It's after a few steps that he remembers he can just vanish from the Horizon at will, and he does so, unceremoniously.
It would be hard to come back, but he will force himself. Maybe Istredd is right, and strengthening his control over fire in general will someday make it easier to spark his own. And if he's wrong, and the problem is as insurmountable as it feels to Wilhelm right now, then maybe practicing his magic will at least prevent it from exploding out of him unwanted.
He was right about one thing: Wilhelm cannot stay stuck where he is forever.