Istredd's hand on his shoulder acts as an anchor as Wilhelm gulps down air and tries to pull himself together. Tries not to puke, clamping his lips together and swallowing. Tries not to cry, pinching his eyes shut. His fingers tighten in his hair, and his elbows form a barricade around his face, through which he peeks when Istredd encourages him, Look at me. He feels weak, and stupid, and stuck.
"I don't get why I can't just do it," he mutters, the words burning in his throat. "I know nothing that bad can happen. It's not like my magic is powerful enough to do that on its own, but —"
He lets go of an unsteady breath, lets his arms swing away from his face. He steps back, eyes leaving Istredd.
"I don't know, I just get so freaked out."
Every time he reaches for that fire burning somewhere inside, he hurtles back to that searing moment fireballs swallowed Libertas and, as he did in the catatonic days that followed, he shuts down. He worries that he'll never be ready. The memory will never heal, but continue to fester. Istredd's offer is kind, but he's just prolonging the inevitable: eventually, he would realize that he has wasted his time on Wilhelm.
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"I don't get why I can't just do it," he mutters, the words burning in his throat. "I know nothing that bad can happen. It's not like my magic is powerful enough to do that on its own, but —"
He lets go of an unsteady breath, lets his arms swing away from his face. He steps back, eyes leaving Istredd.
"I don't know, I just get so freaked out."
Every time he reaches for that fire burning somewhere inside, he hurtles back to that searing moment fireballs swallowed Libertas and, as he did in the catatonic days that followed, he shuts down. He worries that he'll never be ready. The memory will never heal, but continue to fester. Istredd's offer is kind, but he's just prolonging the inevitable: eventually, he would realize that he has wasted his time on Wilhelm.